When we are born, we rely on another person to meet our needs. And as we grow and develop new relationships, we learn that those whom we hold close have the ability to influence our sense of happiness, especially in romantic relationships. Our partners impact us physiologically and emotionally. We have a need to form emotional connections with other human beings. This need for emotional connection with others is the most basic longing, the most basic motivator we have. When we can’t find a safe, loving way to stay connected with our partner, we end up moving further and further away from where we want to be, which is safe and connected. Instead we move into conflict and distance, wonder if we matter to our partner, feel insecure in being our most authentic self.
When we don’t feel loved by our partner or feel that we don’t matter to them, we feel alone. Feeling cut off from our partner can throw us into a sense of panic. We can then send out emotional signals that often get distorted by our partners and seen as aggressive or angry. Often these distorted emotional signals then trigger defensiveness or a tendency to shut down. We fight. Or withdraw. When couples get caught up in these types of negative patterns, conflict escalates and distance increases; we get the opposite of what we wanted in the first place—to feel important to and appreciated by our partner, loved. Eventually we may wonder where the love and connection went.
If your relationship is important to you and you are considering counseling to repair the connection that has been damaged, then couples counseling may help the two of you to once again find security and safety in love.
If any of this is speaking to you, I invite you to call for a free, in-office consultation. You can tell me about your situation and I can answer any questions that you may have. It will also give you a chance to see if meeting with me is a good fit for you and your partner.